Trevor Dodge
July 2014

Trevor Dodge is the author of two collections of short fiction (Laws of Average and Everyone I Know Lives on Roads), a novella (Yellow #10), collaborator on the writing anti-textbook Architectures of Possibility, and host of the creative practices podcast Possible Architect. He lives and teaches in Portland, or and can be found online at www.trevordodge.com.
Festival events: 2014 AWP a reading eXperiment Seattle

A BEGINNER’S GUIDE TO LEET
1 60 70 ch3ck 0n 6r4ndm4, 60 70 7h3 b47hr00m wh3r3 5h3 5l1d b37w33n 7h3 d00rfr4m3 by 7urn1n6 h3r b0dy p4r4ll3l 70 7h3 0p3n d00r 4nd pu5h1n6 h3r53lf 7hr0u6h 17, 60 1n b3c4u53 1 kn0w 5h3’5 7h3r3, b3c4u53 1 h34rd h3r 6r04n 45 5h3 1nch3d d0wn 0n70 7h3 701l37, h34rd 7h3 701l37 5347 5l1d3 0n 175 l0053 h1n635, h34rd 17 7hr0u6h 7h3 w4ll w3 5h4r3, 7h3 b47hr00m 5h3 u535, 7h3 0n3 7h47 u53d 70 0nly b3 m1n3, bu7 n0w 15 b07h 0f 0ur5, b3l0n65 70 my p4r3n75 73chn1c4lly bu7 15 0ur5 1n 7h3 w4y 7h47 b47hr00m5 637 4774ch3d 70 p30pl3 1n 7h3 w31rd 4nd p4r71cul4r w4y5 7h3y d0, 7h3 w4y5 7h3y h4v3 70 1f y0u d1r7y 4nd cl34n y0ur53lf 1n 7h3m, 50 vuln3r4bl3, 7h3r3 w17h y0ur j34n5 4r0und y0ur kn335, 0r 1n 6r4ndm4’5 c453, h3r 5w347p4n75, 7h3 b16 p1l3 0f 734l c0770n 7h3r3 0n 7h3 fl00r, 6r4ndm4’5 b4r3 7035 p33k1n6 0u7 fr0m und3rn347h 7h3 p1l3, 7urn1n6 purpl3 4nd 5w3ll1n6 fr0m 7h3 51771n6 5h3’5 d01n6, bu7 4l50 fr0m 7h3 pu5h1n6 5h3’5 d01n6, f1nd h3r 7h3r3 1n h3r pu5h1n6, pu5h1n6 h3r f337 4641n57 7h3 fl00r, bu7 n07 pu5h1n6 b3c4u53 0f wh47 y0u’d 7h1nk 7h3 pu5h1n6 15 n0rm4lly 4b0u7, 17’5 r34lly 4nd 7ruly n07 7h47, b3c4u53 6r4ndm4 15n’7 57r41n1n6 70 637 50m37h1n6 0u7, 15n’7 57ru66l1n6 1n 7h47 w4y, 15 57r41n1n6 1n 4 d1ff3r3n7 w4y, w17h h3r 0n3 h4nd pull1n6 4nd 7h3 07h3r h4nd pr0b1n6, 7h3 0n3 h4nd l1f71n6, 7h3 07h3r h4nd ju771n6, 6r4ndm4 7h3r3 0n 7h3 701l37 5347 w17h 7h47 bl0b 0f 734l 1n fr0n7 0f h3r, 7ry1n6 70 f1nd h3r53lf 1n51d3 h3r53lf, pull1n6 4nd l1f71n6 h3r53lf 4w4y 4nd 4p4r7 fr0m h3r53lf, 6r4ndm4 pr0b1n6 4nd ju771n6 4nd 3y35 cl053d 4nd n07 5331n6 m3 r16h7 7h3r3 1n fr0n7 0f h3r, 6r4ndm4 w17h h3r 70p 7337h 5unk 1n70 h3r b0770m l1p, b16 6u571n6 br347h5 bl0w1n6 1n 4nd 0u7 h3r h41ry n057r1l5, 4nd b3c4u53 6r4ndm4 d1dn’7 cl053 7h3 d00r b3h1nd h3r b3f0r3 5h3 dr0pp3d h3r 5w3475 4nd p0pp3d 0n70 7h3 5347 h3r3 4nd 6r1pp3d h3r53lf 4nd 5qu1n73d h3r 3y35 5hu7, b3c4u53 5h3 d1dn’7 d0 7h15 m057 b451c 4nd 51mpl3 7h1n6, b3c4u53 5h3 d1dn’7 cl053 4nd l0ck 7h3 d00r, 1 637 70 b3 7h3r3 wh3n 5h3 4rr1v35, 7h3r3 wh3n 5h3 c0m35, 4nd b3c4u53 7h3 d00r 15 571ll 0p3n, 1’m 4bl3 70 p455 b4ck 7hr0u6h, b4ck 70 wh3r3 1’d 3n73r3d, b4ck 70 my b3d 0n 7h3 07h3r 51d3 0f 7h3 w4ll, 4nd 5l1d3 b37w33n 7h3 5h3375 r16h7 45 7h3 701l37 flu5h35 7h3 f1r57 71m3, 4nd 1’m b4ck 45l33p b3f0r3 17 r3p3475 1753lf 4 53c0nd.
I go to check on grandma, 60 70 7h3 b47hr00m wh3r3 5h3 5l1d b37w33n 7h3 d00rfr4m3 by 7urn1n6 h3r b0dy p4r4ll3l 70 7h3 0p3n d00r 4nd pu5h1n6 h3r53lf 7hr0u6h 17, go in because I know she’s there, b3c4u53 1 h34rd h3r 6r04n 45 5h3 1nch3d d0wn 0n70 7h3 701l37, heard the toilet seat slide on its loose hinges, h34rd 17 7hr0u6h 7h3 w4ll w3 5h4r3, 7h3 b47hr00m 5h3 u535, the one that used to only be mine, bu7 n0w 15 b07h 0f 0ur5, belongs to my parents technically but is ours in the way that bathrooms get attached to people in the weird and particular ways they do, 7h3 w4y5 7h3y h4v3 70 1f y0u d1r7y 4nd cl34n y0ur53lf 1n 7h3m, so vulnerable, 7h3r3 w17h y0ur j34n5 4r0und y0ur kn335, or in grandma’s case, h3r 5w347p4n75, the big pile of teal cotton there on the floor, 6r4ndm4’5 b4r3 7035 p33k1n6 0u7 fr0m und3rn347h 7h3 p1l3, turning purple and swelling from the sitting she’s doing, bu7 4l50 fr0m 7h3 pu5h1n6 5h3’5 d01n6, find her there in her pushing, pu5h1n6 h3r f337 4641n57 7h3 fl00r, but not pushing because of what you’d think the pushing is normally about, 17’5 r34lly 4nd 7ruly n07 7h47, because grandma isn’t straining to get something out, 15n’7 57ru66l1n6 1n 7h47 w4y, is straining in a different way, w17h h3r 0n3 h4nd pull1n6 4nd 7h3 07h3r h4nd pr0b1n6, the one hand lifting, 7h3 07h3r h4nd ju771n6, grandma there on the toilet seat with that blob of teal in front of her, 7ry1n6 70 f1nd h3r53lf 1n51d3 h3r53lf, pulling and lifting herself away and apart from herself, 6r4ndm4 pr0b1n6 4nd ju771n6 4nd 3y35 cl053d 4nd n07 5331n6 m3 r16h7 7h3r3 1n fr0n7 0f h3r, grandma with her top teeth sunk into her bottom lip, b16 6u571n6 br347h5 bl0w1n6 1n 4nd 0u7 h3r h41ry n057r1l5, and because grandma didn’t close the door behind her before she dropped her sweats and popped onto the seat here and gripped herself and squinted her eyes shut, b3c4u53 5h3 d1dn’7 d0 7h15 m057 b451c 4nd 51mpl3 7h1n6, because she didn’t close and lock the door, 1 637 70 b3 7h3r3 wh3n 5h3 4rr1v35, there when she comes, 4nd b3c4u53 7h3 d00r 15 571ll 0p3n, I’m able to pass back through, b4ck 70 wh3r3 1’d 3n73r3d, back to my bed on the other side of the wall, 4nd 5l1d3 b37w33n 7h3 5h3375 r16h7 45 7h3 701l37 flu5h35 7h3 f1r57 71m3, and I’m back asleep before it repeats itself a second.
1 60 70 ch3ck 0n 6r4ndm4, go to the bathroom where she slid between the doorframe by turning her body parallel to the open door and pushing herself through it, 60 1n b3c4u53 1 kn0w 5h3’5 7h3r3, because I heard her groan as she inched down onto the toilet, h34rd 7h3 701l37 5347 5l1d3 0n 175 l0053 h1n635, heard it through the wall we share, the bathroom she uses, 7h3 0n3 7h47 u53d 70 0nly b3 m1n3, but now is both of ours, b3l0n65 70 my p4r3n75 73chn1c4lly bu7 15 0ur5 1n 7h3 w4y 7h47 b47hr00m5 637 4774ch3d 70 p30pl3 1n 7h3 w31rd 4nd p4r71cul4r w4y5 7h3y d0, the ways they have to if you dirty and clean yourself in them, 50 vuln3r4bl3, there with your jeans around your knees, 0r 1n 6r4ndm4’5 c453, her sweatpants, 7h3 b16 p1l3 0f 734l c0770n 7h3r3 0n 7h3 fl00r, grandma’s bare toes peeking out from underneath the pile, 7urn1n6 purpl3 4nd 5w3ll1n6 fr0m 7h3 51771n6 5h3’5 d01n6, but also from the pushing she’s doing, f1nd h3r 7h3r3 1n h3r pu5h1n6, pushing her feet against the floor, bu7 n07 pu5h1n6 b3c4u53 0f wh47 y0u’d 7h1nk 7h3 pu5h1n6 15 n0rm4lly 4b0u7, it’s really and truly not that, b3c4u53 6r4ndm4 15n’7 57r41n1n6 70 637 50m37h1n6 0u7, isn’t struggling in that way, 15 57r41n1n6 1n 4 d1ff3r3n7 w4y, with her one hand pulling and the other hand probing, 7h3 0n3 h4nd l1f71n6, the other hand jutting, 6r4ndm4 7h3r3 0n 7h3 701l37 5347 w17h 7h47 bl0b 0f 734l 1n fr0n7 0f h3r, trying to find herself inside herself, pull1n6 4nd l1f71n6 h3r53lf 4w4y 4nd 4p4r7 fr0m h3r53lf, grandma probing and jutting and eyes closed and not seeing me right there in front of her, 6r4ndm4 w17h h3r 70p 7337h 5unk 1n70 h3r b0770m l1p, big gusting breaths blowing in and out her hairy nostrils, 4nd b3c4u53 6r4ndm4 d1dn’7 cl053 7h3 d00r b3h1nd h3r b3f0r3 5h3 dr0pp3d h3r 5w3475 4nd p0pp3d 0n70 7h3 5347 h3r3 4nd 6r1pp3d h3r53lf 4nd 5qu1n73d h3r 3y35 5hu7, because she didn’t do this most basic and simple thing, b3c4u53 5h3 d1dn’7 cl053 4nd l0ck 7h3 d00r, I get to be there when she arrives, 7h3r3 wh3n 5h3 c0m35, and because the door is still open, 1’m 4bl3 70 p455 b4ck 7hr0u6h, back to where I’d entered, b4ck 70 my b3d 0n 7h3 07h3r 51d3 0f 7h3 w4ll, and slide between the sheets right as the toilet flushes the first time, 4nd 1’m b4ck 45l33p b3f0r3 17 r3p3475 1753lf 4 53c0nd.
I go to check on grandma, go to the bathroom where she slid between the doorframe by turning her body parallel to the open door and pushing herself through it, go in because I know she’s there, because I heard her groan as she inched down onto the toilet, heard the toilet seat slide on its loose hinges, heard it through the wall we share, the bathroom she uses, the one that used to only be mine, but now is both of ours, belongs to my parents technically but is ours in the way that bathrooms get attached to people in the weird and particular ways they do, the ways they have to if you dirty and clean yourself in them, so vulnerable, there with your jeans around your knees, or in grandma’s case, her sweatpants, the big pile of teal cotton there on the floor, grandma’s bare toes peeking out from underneath the pile, turning purple and swelling from the sitting she’s doing, but also from the pushing she’s doing, find her there in her pushing, pushing her feet against the floor, but not pushing because of what you’d think the pushing is normally about, it’s really and truly not that, because grandma isn’t straining to get something out, isn’t struggling in that way, is straining in a different way, with her one hand pulling and the other hand probing, the one hand lifting, the other hand jutting, grandma there on the toilet seat with that blob of teal in front of her, trying to find herself inside herself, pulling and lifting herself away and apart from herself, grandma probing and jutting and eyes closed and not seeing me right there in front of her, grandma with her top teeth sunk into her bottom lip, big gusting breaths blowing in and out her hairy nostrils, and because grandma didn’t close the door behind her before she dropped her sweats and popped onto the seat here and gripped herself and squinted her eyes shut, because she didn’t do this most basic and simple thing, because she didn’t close and lock the door, I get to be there when she arrives, there when she comes, and because the door is still open, I’m able to pass back through, back to where I’d entered, back to my bed on the other side of the wall, and slide between the sheets right as the toilet flushes the first time, and I’m back asleep before it repeats itself a second.